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Arguments and Separation

If your parents argue a lot, have separated or are about to do so, here is some helpful advice to help get you through it.

Arguments

1) The most important thing is to know and understand that when your parents argue, it is not your fault, even if they are arguing about you. Do not feel guilty when your parents are arguing, it is not your job to get them to stop, it is something they need to sort out between themselves.

2) Never take sides, and never try to solve their problems yourself. If a parent asks you for an opinion on the other parent or the situation at hand, tell them that you would prefer to stay out of it, or at least try and remain neutral and diplomatic.

3) If possible, leave the room when your parents argue, or if you want to get out of the house, go and visit a friend. If you are staying in, then put on some music, watch a video, or call a friend, just do something to distract you.

4) Find someone you trust to talk to about it. You may even find that one of your closest friends is going through, or has been through similar experiences. You could also talk to one of your friend’s parents about it, another relative, or perhaps a favourite teacher.

5) Feel free to let your parents know exactly what you need from them, whether it be time alone with them individually, or just time alone. If you need to talk, tell them, and if you don’t want to talk, tell them that you’re just not prepared to talk about things yet. You need to decide these things in your own time, and they should be understanding of that.

Separation

1) If your parents have separated, or are about to do so, remember that they are still going to be your Mum and Dad. Your parents are separating from each other, not from you. They are still responsible for you in all the ways they were previously.

2) You should not have to act as if there is nothing wrong, having your parents separate is a massive upheaval and it takes time to adjust. It helps to talk to someone outside the situation, a friend, teacher, counselor, relative or mentor can help you get through this. Just having someone listen will help you.

3) You are in no way the cause of your parent’s separation, no matter what you may think. Children are never the reason for a separation.

4) It is not your responsibility to try and get them back together. Because you are not the cause, it is beyond your power or abilities to do so. Even if you were to behave perfectly and do really well in school, it would make them happy, but would not bring them back together.

5) You should not have to relay messages between your parents. This can make you feel very uncomfortable, and if this is the case, you should feel free to tell them so.

6) Remember that although things may seem unsettled, tense and rather bleak, this will change in time. After a while you will adjust to the situation, as will your parents. It may even be the case that your home life and relationships with your parents will become far better than it was before they separated. Just hang in there, the fallout will eventually settle.

Written by Chris Morgan

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