17 Top Tips
A house party can be a disaster waiting to happen. Here’s how to make it through unscathed:
1) Never, ever, under any circumstances, host a party at your own house. This is the golden rule, and if you follow it, you’ll never have a problem. Going to a house party is good, honest, unadulterated fun. Watching your parent’s house being trashed by people you don’t know isn’t. Don’t be the chump that hosts the party; instead take advantage of the chump that does.
2) If you have decided to ignore rule 1, (you fool), then there are methods of damage limitation. Prevention is impossible, which is why rule 1 is golden. Whatever happens, if you host a party, then in one way or another your house or something in it will be wrecked to some degree. Unless your house has more than one toilet, forget it. There will always be one person who vomits everywhere, and to cope with this you need at least two, preferably three toilets with quick and easy access. When someone is about to chuck up, you don’t want your one and only toilet to be clogged up with other partygoers. Easy access to the back garden is also a bonus, as puke on the patio is far better than puke on your parent’s carpet. The downside of this is that people will relieve themselves on your Mum’s rose bushes, and throw empty cans/bottles in the pond and under the hedge.
3) You probably don’t need reminding, but don’t forget that unless you are 18, it is illegal to buy alcohol.
4) Always empty your fridge and freezer before hosting a party. If you don’t, then people will just help themselves. A group of ravenous partygoers can strip a freezer bare in under an hour. There will also be a food fight, and in the morning you will find squashed sausages and other foodstuffs down the side of the sofa and on the walls.
5) You must lock away anything valuable or fragile in a spare room. If you don’t then they will inevitably be either stolen or smashed. It is also a good idea to lock away coffee tables and the like, as drunken partygoers love to dance on them. Many a table has been destroyed in this manner.
6) Any party needs lots of good music to go down well. Unfortunately, CD’s are a favourite amongst thieves. If you can, get a trusted friend to monitor your collection through the night. If this isn’t possible, then you should lock away your own CD’s with all the other valuables, and just tell everyone who is coming to bring a few of their own. This way you don’t need to worry about them being nicked.
7) Contrary to popular belief, if you are going to a party it is far better to turn up early than to be ’fashionably late’. This way, you and your mates can bag all the comfiest seats in the living room, and have first dibs on any alcohol that is there, or as it turns up (presuming you are over 18, naturally.)
8) If you are a discerning and professional partygoer, then you should arrange for someone to call you on your mobile about an hour or two into the party. That way, if the party is rubbish, you can pretend that something important has come up (have an excuse ready) and gracefully make an exit without insulting the host.
9) This is an obvious one, but always make sure you have a condom or two with you. Even if you don’t need it, a friend might.
10) If you are hosting a party, then always lock your parent’s bedroom. You have been warned.
11) Always hide your toothbrushes. You don’t want to know what people will do with them.
12) If you are thinking about hosting a party, it is best if your house is not near any pubs. If it is, then come closing time a drunken rabble will sniff out the party and arrive unannounced. A house wrecking will ensue.
13) Drinking cheap booze at a party isn’t a good idea. Cheap wine and cider is particularly good at bringing on a technicolour yawn, and will give you an unbelievably bad hangover. If you have to drink cider (not recommended), get some that has a picture of an apple somewhere on the packaging. If it hasn’t, then it will never have seen an apple in its life, and instead will be a potent cocktail of gut rotting chemicals.
14) When hosting a party, try to keep publicity to a minimum and only invite your immediate friends.
15) Be very wary of ’friends of friends of friends’. This is where it starts to get a bit messy. If someone you don’t know turns up, the chances are no one does. Don’t let them in. If people you don’t know manage to get in, then get a couple of big friends to help you throw them out. Be firm, but polite.
16) If you are the host, then you must stay in control. If you get so wasted that you either pass out or stop caring about what’s going on around you, congratulations, your house is about to get trashed. If you are going to drink, then do so slowly and sensibly. Needless to say, never mix your drinks. The chances are you’ll be too busy running around in a frenzy, trying to prevent your house from being destroyed to actually party yourself anyway.
17) Even if you take every precaution, come the morning you will still be shocked at the sheer amount of damage that has been done. If at all possible, you will need at least two days before your parents get back to clean up. Good luck, you’re going to need it.
Written by Chris Morgan
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